Kudos to Rihanna

I watched Rihanna on 20/20 a couple nights ago and was sooooo proud of her. It was clear she wasn't there to make excuses for Chris Brown. Instead, she sat across from Dianne Sawyer to send a clear message to victims/survivors of abuse. "F Love" she said. It didn't seem easy for her to say those words, but they resonated as real. As outsiders looking in, we expect women in these situations to run in the opposite direction. However, victims/survivors don't wake up hating these men, so it isn't as black and white as we think it should be. Rihanna did a phenomenal job of humanizing that process. I think she confirmed for many of us that victims/survivors are human and experience a range of emotions following an incident - especially if the victim/survivor loves the abuser.

Her points about violence potentially happening to anyone and her not doing anything to deserve it, were also well made. There are women who seem hell bent on separating themselves from the "weak" victims who fall prey to abuse and others who are often insistent on blaming women for provoking abuse. These are both toxic attitudes that displace the root of abuse - the root rests solely with the abuser. We spend so much time asking why the woman stays, why she puts up with his abuse and calling her a fool for going back and very little time asking why he hits, why he abuses and why he isn't getting the help he needs to stop. In Chris Brown's case it's even more complex because he is a celebrity, loved by millions and seen in many of their eyes as above reproach. As I've said time and again, this isn't about demonizing him but holding him accountable - another point Rihanna made well.

Of all the points Rihanna made (and she made many well), I was bowled over when she acknowledged the very real influence she has on the young women who look up to her. I can't tell you how many times celebrities have distanced themselves from the influence they have on the lives of their fans. "I am not a role model," has been their mantra. I can't imagine they really believe that madness but it has rolled off their tongues so easily and frequently they've probably started to. Hearing Rihanna say her decision has the power to influence others was a breath of fresh air. Millions of young women listen when Rihanna speaks and millions more watch her every move (thanks in great part to the internet), so leaving Chris Brown has helped save a life. There's a young woman somewhere who will leave an abuser because Rihanna was brave enough to.

Celebrities - FYI - being a role model is inherently written into your job description (even if it is in fine print). Kudos to Rihanna for publicly acknowledging that responsibility. I know it can't be easy to do, but doing the right thing usually isn't.

What does an abuser look like?

Here's an exercise that might help drive this point home. I want you to take a second to try this. Close your eyes, think about an abuser, what does he/she look like? What are they wearing? Are they a certain race? A certain height or build? Paint a picture in your mind. Think of every detail you can, and ask yourself, "what does an abuser look like?" If you are like most people the person will look CRAZY and DERANGED. You'll spot him/her coming from a mile away and run in the opposite direction. He/she will be so obvious the world will see him/her for what he/she is. Only one problem, if you're looking for only the crazy, most obvious people, you'll miss the abusers almost every time. Many abusers look "normal." Whatever that is. They blend in and look like you and me. They can be well dressed and articulate. They know you'll run in the opposite direction if they show their true colors, so they are the great pretenders. All my friends who've been with abusive men can tell you about the beginning - the bliss filled way things started. Things usually started off perfectly. He was the perfect gentleman, then she got comfortable and WHAM, the abuse began. Of course the abuser profusely apologized and sent flowers and bought chocolates and did everything right and then, WHAM, again, the abuse continued. Sexual abuse is much the same. Most of the time the abuser is known to the victim, he/she is someone they trust and feel safe around. It is often the unassuming person, the attractive person, the "kind" person, not the raving lunatic. The raving lunatic is the misconception that lives in our heads - the exception rather than the rule. How can we erase the image we currently have in our heads? It begins right now. Remember that picture of the raving lunatic you painted in your minds earlier, replace that one with the man/woman next door. That's a more accurate picture.

Now that the dust has settled

Though there are still murmurs about the Chris Brown and Rihanna case in the news, the dust has pretty much settled.  Domestic Violence took center stage for a hot second, and now it may be back to business as usual.  Not that I am discounting the momentum gained through this very public case, however, I am saying this issue is so much bigger than the two of them.  Millions of women are beaten around the world everyday, and we don't hear much (if anything) about their plight.  Domestic Violence didn't begin with Chris and Rihanna, and won't end there either.  Each of us has a responsibility to hold abusers accountable, whether they be our fathers, uncles, cousins, nephews, sons or friends.  Abusers aside, we also have a responsibility to be more supportive of the victims in our lives (and we all know a victim).  At the very least, we could consider giving them a listening ear when needed.  We could also help by pointing them in the right direction, perhaps to an agency for victims of domestic violence, or by talking with them about creating a safety plan.  We are far more powerful than we imagine, and though we can't change anyone, or force a victim to leave an abuser, we can be steadfast advisors and shoulders to lean on when the day is darkest and least hopeful.  I have often been told "where there is life there is hope," and it is my hope that today a victim of domestic abuse will safely leave their abuser (perhaps Rihanna).

They're back together, and I am not surprised

This will likely be my last entry about Chris Brown and Rihanna.  What can I say, she's done what most battered women do, returned to her man.  Come on, how many times have we heard about the woman who returns to the man who abused her, much to the chagrin of her family and friends?  Far too often I am sure, because I can think of at least 2 or 3 people in my own life who have done that very thing.  I am not surprised, but I am disappointed.  If someone hits you, he can't love you.  He may think he does, but love doesn't hurt - at least not like that.  Unfortunately we've come out with our own versions of love, drama filled and brimming with pain, but if that is love, I don't want any part of it.   

A friend of mine once told me her man beat her because he cared, and likened it to the methods of discipline her parents used when she was a child.  I had another friend who accepted one "sincere" and "heartfelt" apology after another, until of course he hit her so hard he burst her ear drum and she almost lost her hearing in that ear.  I also had friend who fiercely defended her abuser, saying he didn't do it often.  I could go on.  Thankfully, all three are now out of their abusive relationships, but in some instances it took 10 or more years.  

For Rihanna's sake I hope this is the first and last time he will hit her - though I doubt it. Domestic violence studies have shown time and again that men who batter women generally develop a pattern of doing so over time, plus "sources" close to her have said it wasn't the first time.  Also, studies have shown that men don't just stop battering either.  It isn't as simple as wanting to stop, or promising that you'll stop, instead it takes a serious commitment, anger management, counseling, and a true willingness to change, who knows if Chris plans to do any of the above.  

I wish Rihanna all the best, and understand (on some level) her thought process in going back, cause she is in love, and love can coax us into doing silly things.  However, what she may not be thinking about are all the young women watching her, and the dangerous message she is sending.  I don't want to heap the world on her shoulders, but ask her to think seriously about speaking out at some level, because like it or not, she's a role model and there are little, impressionable eyes on her.

It Has Started---they are defending Chris Brown

Well, as predicted, it's started, a slew of folks are now defending Chris Brown.  There are individuals - many of them women - including his cousin (a woman), saying he must have been provoked.  Along with the typical rhetoric they're spouting the same old BS, defending him, they say, because he's a "good person", and "nice." One woman went as far as saying "I'm still going to support Chris Brown to the end.  I don't care if he did it or not."  Are you kidding me!  I am not saying Chris Brown is a bad person because he did this, but I am saying he's done a bad thing, and for us to pretend he didn't is insane.    He doesn't need us to defend him, he needs us to hold him accountable.  

You might be a Chris Brown fan, as I was, but you aren't doing him any good by blindly defending him.  Someone needs to shake him up and say "what you've done is unacceptable, especially to your female fans."  Trust me ladies, if he hit her, he would hit you.  As for her provoking him, what if she did, what if she said something that enraged him, looked in his phone, threw away his keys, or even pushed or slapped him, does that excuse him beating her?  She was black and blue, bitten, and beaten, and are you telling me that she did something to deserve that, and Chris Brown couldn't have made another choice?  Life is all about choices, and he made the wrong one the day he put his hands on a woman.  Now remember, with choices come consequences, and he, like the rest of us, must face consequences for his actions.

What if he beat your sister, your aunt or mother?  I am a woman, and don't consider myself a feminist, but I am a woman nonetheless.  When I look at Rihanna I see my daughter, and my sister in her eyes, and I won't make excuses for someone beating her, or them, for any reason.  I also have a son, and it is my job to teach him never to hit a woman.  Would I hate him if he did, would I write him off as a horrible person?  No, but I would hold him accountable and let him know that his choices come with consequences.  The same is true for Chris Brown.

It is time for us to stop defending people because they appear likable or good, and start basing our defense of someone like Chris Brown on something tangible, like knowing for certain that he didn't do it (and that isn't even an option here).  Also, people keep talking about not knowing all the facts, and the media is using the term "alleged," (which I am sure they are legally obligated to do), but it is plain as day that he beat that woman, and the sooner we wake up to that reality the better, because this isn't all about Chris Brown, we actually have a victim to think about.  

Rihanna is the victim, and she will have emotional as well as physical scars to be healed. Perhaps instead of spending our time blogging and commenting about poor Chris Brown and how unfair the system is to black men, we may want to refocus that energy and support on Rihanna when she needs us most.  As hard as life is in America for black men, it can be all the more difficult for black women because we are always called to understand the plight of our men, only to compromise our own pain.  Abuse like this didn't start with Rihanna and won't end with her, either.  

Chris and Rihanna; Reality Check

My son said to me, just last night (Grammy night), that Chris Brown and Rihanna were planning to get married. 'YEAH RIGHT,' I thought silently before uttering in a brash, knowing tone "it won't last." I know that young people often rush to the altar but I didn't see it in the cards for them. Not that I was wishing the couple's demise but love is hard work, and 19 and 20 year olds aren't often up for it. That aside, I hadn't expected to hear a few short hours later that Chris Brown hit Rihanna.

Let me quickly add my disclaimer here, I adored Chris Brown prior to this, in a giggly, teenage flashback, kind of way. I thought he was the cutest thing, and liked him even more because of his warm and endearing image. Counter to Sprite's past tag line, in many of our minds "image is everything," and being likable is often a huge asset in the court of public opinion. When he and Rihanna got together I thought, AWWWWWW aren't they the cutest couple. The latest development has snapped me back into a stark reality. A reality that says even those with a seemingly unblemished image, those we see as "nice" and "good," do things that are harmful and bad to others. Sounds simple enough, but people don't always make that connection especially when the accused is one of our favorite celebrities.

Most of us want life to be as rosy it appears on the surface, even when it isn't. We often claw and fight to keep our precious images in tact. Perhaps we are deathly afraid of what lies beneath. Whatever the issue, when a cutsy love goes sour, many of us spend time rattling off excuses to justify away why such a "nice" young man would do such a bad thing.

Reading blogs, and listening to the radio today there were the few who made excuses for Chris Brown. Some people in cyberspace and on the airwaves wondered what Rihanna did to provoke him, and even asserted that she probably deserved it. One woman on a local radio show said Rihanna probably got him mad and deserved his wrath, she went on to tell the horrified DJ that she often makes her husband mad and gets what she deserves, as well.

Still, I am glowing with pride because for each person with that type of mindset there were 50 more who said Chris Brown's behavior cannot be excused. Men and women alike railed against him and his inexcusable behavior. In the heat of the moment he may have been mad, and he may have had every right to be, but the bottom line is he could have gotten out of that car and walked away. In my eyes, there is no excuse for this and the sooner we all stop making excuses, and understand the presumably "good" people do bad things, the better.

The Only One in the World

When I think about what I share on this blog, I realize that much of it is personal, and yet I am driven to share because I keep thinking if my story or words can help one person cope or begin to grapple with the pain they are feeling, then it is worth it. I can't tell you how frightened I was when I was a 13 year old who thought I was the only one in the world who was raped. It was like living in a tiny box, all alone, and feeling like the walls of the box were going to collapse and smother me. The secret had to be kept, and no one could know, because if they knew they would blame me. They would say I brought it on myself, and that I shouldn't have done this, or I should have done that, and at 13 I wasn't ready to face that kind of scrutiny. Ironically, as I've grown older and opened up more about my story, I've come to see that there was wisdom in my 13 year old silence. I wasn't prepared mentally to defend and explain myself at 13. People can still be so judgmental, and everyone thinks it could never happen to them or their family members, until of course it does. Some of them may be surprised to learn that sexual violence and abuse may lurk closer to home than they think, though I would never wish that reality on anyone. I was astounded by the outpouring of support I received when I did my first TV interview about the topic on Susan's show in Jamaica. People I knew were extremely supportive, but what resounded with me more, were the people I didn't know. The people that would come up to me in the street and thank me for shedding light on the issue and sharing my story. The women in my office who felt so moved to share their stories of sexual violence and abuse with me. Then there were the young men; there was one in particular that came up to me when I was in the supermarket, and told me that he never would have thought something like that could happen to someone like me, and knowing that it could made him more aware and sensitive about the issue over all. That day we talked quite a bit about sexual violence and abuse not being something that only one kind of person experiences, that in fact it is an act of violence that transcends race, class and culture. His ernest and sincere eyes spoke volumes that day and told me that it isn't only about helping women heal but also sensitizing men, having them see our humanity, in the hopes of preparing them from that moment to make a positive difference in a woman's life through kindness and love vs. power and control. I know now that I am not the only one in the world that this has happened to, and by sharing my story I am hoping you know that you aren't the only one either.